27.10.16

Homework/ my founding

Weekly Homework...

Doing following 5 things per day or weekly,

1. Love me
2. Love others
3. The thing I'm unwilling to do but should do
4. Exercise
5. Mind Training - breathing practice (nose in/out), yaga.

In the begining of the 5th week, I found "The thing I'm unwilling to do but should do" is "Being a mother"  Wow, it is a cool founding!!   Well, it is another story about how my mom affected my life.

I did not think I am a marriage material when I was 20 something.  I did not want to be a mother, for me, mother is a symbol of "sacrifice",  "24 hrs machine, no rest, chasing money, chasing everything to satify kids and family and asked no reward in return to herself.  Even now, I heard a lot of comments that I am doing a good mother job, I still feel I am unwilling to be called "MOTHER".

The only reward my mother asked is our good score and good academic performance, and obtaining degree, so she could show off to relatives.  This is too meet her desire and compensate her low education at her young age. This is also the only way she protected kids from being look down like the way she lived.  She wants us having a brighter future, but big sis failed her.     I realized that my mother raised us have to overcome many difficulties (finance is always our family's key problem) and so many efforts/energy.  She gave up herself but spent every penny to raise us.  I always know mother did not treat herself well, how could I live with my free willingness by requesting to learn some extra art class when I was little?  How could I rebel like big sis that hurt mom's heart? How could I act like big bro.  as I am not as smart as him?  Any of My desire and reqeust will add financial burden to mom, I never want to do that to Mom and I don't want to experience Mom's problem when I grow up.  The best way to avoid same issue is NO KID, then I could do whatever I want when I am an adult.

Mom tried so hard to afford us in a safe home but the house we lived was so run-down that showing her inability and we are poor.  I should be gratitude but that run-down house made me so shame at school, especially our house was so closed to school, classmates know where and what house we lived, which made me difficult to make friends to others.  In my mind, I would rather unborn than was born in this poor family.

I love mother so much, but I was weak, my ability can't satified her desire, my academic performance can't be her pride, so I came up the way to show her I love her, that is "be a good girl, and obediance to mom for lighting her life, made her less stressful and seems to be able to rely on me becuase I always try my best to be on her side.  I know good score made her happy, so I tried, but my intelligence is not as good as big bro and I did not have a exceptional memory like my big sis. all I could do is spending most of my time in studying but my score was seldom ranked in Top 3.  Go to university would make mother happy, so studying in senior high school was my only option.  My score let me go to 3rd place of senior high school, where 2 hours in communty per trip.  Everday round trip is 4 hours.   That's my image of being a mother and my childhood.  I was always tried to please mother.  Mother did not force me anything, but I thought all I did is out of LOVE, because Mother I love you, I don't want you to be suffering from kid's bad performance.  The truth is I hurt myself and my inner child.

If life of my kids and me like the way my mom and me, I don't want to be a mother at all.  It is all bitter taste, the only sweeten in my mother's life is gaven by her children.  How could you rely on your children to create a happiness to you?  It is so hard, kids is kids.  Kids are individul person.  Unfortunately, I have a marriage with 2 girls, and I use to live in a hell, like the way my mother lived.   Though my mother tried to re-set a new life to us, she made me a higher education as the basic element to trace "freedom" and have other choices in my life, my soul is prisoned.   I don't well use of these advantages that my mother create for me, I don't have free will to do any thing, I was framed by mother's thought and old behavior.  I have too much "what if" "what if" in my life.  What if I put myself in 1st priority, my kids may...... What if I don't do it, how could I be a good mother??   The parenting difficulties my mother experienced, I am making myself to live with.  I am not who I am, I am another form of my mother existed in the world.  I used to remember that mother yelling at 3 of us that how hard she raise us.  If she don't have us, she'll... well these were emtional wordings, but they into my hearts and root a negative thought of not easy to be a mother.  That's why I always feel so hard/exhausted to be a mother and so impatience to kids, never enjoy in parenting.   I used to set up a high standard to Nanako, and anger for her poor performance.  I used to expect kids to be good girls like the way I was when I with my mother.. I was so wrong.  I just follow my mother's method to teach my kids.

Dear Little Kechun,
When you're little, you bear too much stress of being a good girl and tried to share the pain that mother experienced but you've over loaded.  You're sad.  If it could be reset, I would like to tell you that you deserve to live the way you want, even you follow your heart and your midn to do any thing you want, your mother would love you unconditionally.  Now, I want to hug you and say sorry to you.  I did not take good care of you.  Mom just wanted you to be happy and live in a good life.  If you live well, mother will be happy for you.  Mother gave you a pair of wing and you could fly high.  You don't have to be punished by mother's pains, that's not the way mother expected you to be.  For my apology, I want to draw a picture as a gift for you.  In the pictures, you'll really enjoy being with two girls in your life and you will live in a gratiful, peaceful and richness life without worrying of poor, danger, in security happen to your life.

以母親的角色與作為一個獨立的個體存在並無衝突,你不需要犧牲奉獻自由去迎合孩子,你要做的只是在一起生活的時間裡用愛包圍著孩子,讓她們感受到愛與陪伴這樣就夠了.

Nanako's view of this pictures:
Tree: Daddy,
Rat: Nanako
Tiger: Momoko
Sunflower: Mommy

Sound good, isn't it?


  

26.10.16

Healing MIL issue

 The 4th class.   This week's subject is Husband/Partner/the Ex.

I don't think my hubby and I has a serious problem, so keep a light mood in class.

When we discuss husbands or the relationship we used to experience, I told Teacher that in the marriage, hubby won't be a problem to me, but MIL bothers me the most. She keeps asking me to have a son to carry on family name.  In fact, I mentioned MIL issue once when I came to the 1st or the 2nd class, I really want to get ride of her because she is not the one I care, how should her words afffect my mind, dominate my life?   That time, teacher told me to draw a photo of us, just 4 people, hubby, me and 2 girls circled by pink circle.  I did it but it did not help at all.  I still  hates/dislikes MIL.

Today, MIL issue bumps out my mouth again.   I always think MIL should skip having a son issue since I told them I don't want to give a birth anymore, and hubby told his mother that we're totally fine with 2 girls in our life. , or she should give me a break because I am "TOO OLD TO HAVE A BABY" anymore but she seems nonstop.  She still mentioned it to me several times during this Mid-Autumn Festival holiday.  I thought I can't put it down because of her replay all the time.  After the 4th class, I finally found the root of problem.  It is not MIL fault.

In fact, it is complications in my mind.  I thank MIL for being independent and take good care of herself so we can live the way we like in Taipei.  I felt gratitude for her to travelling so often, which means she is healthy old lady with her own social life.  I appreciate her for taking care / love momoko. I thank her for stay in Kaohsiung for Hubby and her grand child have a place to go, they could tell us we go to grandpa's house.   But I hate her for following reasons:
1. never saying thing straight.  (Talk Art? bullshit)
2. always treat her 2nd daughter as a VVIP.  (of course, she helps MIL a lot)
3. making my mom's leg broken..
4. did not take good care of momoko as good as my mother took care of nanako. 5. did not paying when I delivered a baby..
6. My mother's MIL issue cause my trauma because I listen to mother's repeat hundreds and thousands of times.  
7. Keeps talking to me to have a son to carry family name.
8. give me hard time when we newly marriage.
9.  When I was sick, her response are totally different than her action... (never be expect an MIL like a mother which really hurt my feeling).
10. so stingy.

After making up this list, I found out the root of problem.  I misunderstood what I'm really anger with, MIL is not the subject to be blamed for, I could totally ingore her when my mom was still alive.   No matter what MIL said, these words never came to my mind. I won't carry her words to my life.  When mother past away, I put my anger to MIL and hate her so much.    Sorry, please forgive me, thank you, and I love you!  Actaully, I carried my mother issue of MIL pressure to my 9 years marriage.  I wants to avoid same mistakes that my mom made, till now, I found I live with most of these mistake and regreats for my mother's sake. I loves my mother so much that I don't think I should be punished and if I suffered for mom, mom would be less stressful.  Oh, my God, what a foolish I am.  It is not a "LOVE"!!!  it is a "sick behavior"...


My mother's MIL issue. --  Mom, I knew you're suffering in these bad experiences.  I understood how hard it was for you to live in a new environment at  19 years old with a new born baby and no hubby around.  It is so difficult for young girl for not have enough resting and do a lot of extra works for in law.  I knew the poor of grandpa (your father) made you so shame and your MIL never treated you equally like they treat other brother, sister and sis. in law.  They always told that their kids are well educated, so you are shamed for only completion of Elementary school studying.   And they made you to do so much routine errands and restriction of freedom and finance made you want to escape. You had the courage to escape MIL house and took all of us to move to Luzhu.  You're so brave and we're so lucy to have you.  I know having a son to carry family name is a burden and very stressful for you, so Grandpa took you to God and wishing God gave you a son, but just one son. If you have two sons, there's only one could survive. Under stress of having 2nd son, you have me.  You're so happy that I am girl so you could keep big bro. forever.   I knew you're suffering so much, we used to tell you that you should put your anger down because all suffers are past, and useless to carry them in your life.  We forgot to heal your pain by hugging you and forgot to tell you "you must be very painful".  You could cry if it would help you somewhere, we're here with you. We forgot to hug you when you needs a support or comfort.  You're doing so well, so brave.  I am so sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I always always love you so much.

Dear Little Kechun, I am sorry for having you carry mom's MIL problem to your life, and carry it to your marriage.   Mother's unhappy memory is so meaningful to you, but I did not aware of it. I knew you'r unhappy if mother was unhappy.  If it starts over again, I want to tell  you it is okay, you deserve a better life without disturbing by mother's sad feeling/memory.  You're so blessed girl with mother and grandpa's love around you and protect you.  Now I want to hug  you and say sorry to you, I did not take good care of you for reducing the stress from you and leading you to focus on the thing you're interested in.  To apology, I would like to give you a candy as gift to compenate you.