Weekly Homework...
Doing following 5 things per day or weekly,
1. Love me
2. Love others
3. The thing I'm unwilling to do but should do
4. Exercise
5. Mind Training - breathing practice (nose in/out), yaga.
In the begining of the 5th week, I found "The thing I'm unwilling to do but should do" is "Being a mother" Wow, it is a cool founding!! Well, it is another story about how my mom affected my life.
I did not think I am a marriage material when I was 20 something. I did not want to be a mother, for me, mother is a symbol of "sacrifice", "24 hrs machine, no rest, chasing money, chasing everything to satify kids and family and asked no reward in return to herself. Even now, I heard a lot of comments that I am doing a good mother job, I still feel I am unwilling to be called "MOTHER".
The only reward my mother asked is our good score and good academic performance, and obtaining degree, so she could show off to relatives. This is too meet her desire and compensate her low education at her young age. This is also the only way she protected kids from being look down like the way she lived. She wants us having a brighter future, but big sis failed her. I realized that my mother raised us have to overcome many difficulties (finance is always our family's key problem) and so many efforts/energy. She gave up herself but spent every penny to raise us. I always know mother did not treat herself well, how could I live with my free willingness by requesting to learn some extra art class when I was little? How could I rebel like big sis that hurt mom's heart? How could I act like big bro. as I am not as smart as him? Any of My desire and reqeust will add financial burden to mom, I never want to do that to Mom and I don't want to experience Mom's problem when I grow up. The best way to avoid same issue is NO KID, then I could do whatever I want when I am an adult.
Mom tried so hard to afford us in a safe home but the house we lived was so run-down that showing her inability and we are poor. I should be gratitude but that run-down house made me so shame at school, especially our house was so closed to school, classmates know where and what house we lived, which made me difficult to make friends to others. In my mind, I would rather unborn than was born in this poor family.
I love mother so much, but I was weak, my ability can't satified her desire, my academic performance can't be her pride, so I came up the way to show her I love her, that is "be a good girl, and obediance to mom for lighting her life, made her less stressful and seems to be able to rely on me becuase I always try my best to be on her side. I know good score made her happy, so I tried, but my intelligence is not as good as big bro and I did not have a exceptional memory like my big sis. all I could do is spending most of my time in studying but my score was seldom ranked in Top 3. Go to university would make mother happy, so studying in senior high school was my only option. My score let me go to 3rd place of senior high school, where 2 hours in communty per trip. Everday round trip is 4 hours. That's my image of being a mother and my childhood. I was always tried to please mother. Mother did not force me anything, but I thought all I did is out of LOVE, because Mother I love you, I don't want you to be suffering from kid's bad performance. The truth is I hurt myself and my inner child.
If life of my kids and me like the way my mom and me, I don't want to be a mother at all. It is all bitter taste, the only sweeten in my mother's life is gaven by her children. How could you rely on your children to create a happiness to you? It is so hard, kids is kids. Kids are individul person. Unfortunately, I have a marriage with 2 girls, and I use to live in a hell, like the way my mother lived. Though my mother tried to re-set a new life to us, she made me a higher education as the basic element to trace "freedom" and have other choices in my life, my soul is prisoned. I don't well use of these advantages that my mother create for me, I don't have free will to do any thing, I was framed by mother's thought and old behavior. I have too much "what if" "what if" in my life. What if I put myself in 1st priority, my kids may...... What if I don't do it, how could I be a good mother?? The parenting difficulties my mother experienced, I am making myself to live with. I am not who I am, I am another form of my mother existed in the world. I used to remember that mother yelling at 3 of us that how hard she raise us. If she don't have us, she'll... well these were emtional wordings, but they into my hearts and root a negative thought of not easy to be a mother. That's why I always feel so hard/exhausted to be a mother and so impatience to kids, never enjoy in parenting. I used to set up a high standard to Nanako, and anger for her poor performance. I used to expect kids to be good girls like the way I was when I with my mother.. I was so wrong. I just follow my mother's method to teach my kids.
Dear Little Kechun,
When you're little, you bear too much stress of being a good girl and tried to share the pain that mother experienced but you've over loaded. You're sad. If it could be reset, I would like to tell you that you deserve to live the way you want, even you follow your heart and your midn to do any thing you want, your mother would love you unconditionally. Now, I want to hug you and say sorry to you. I did not take good care of you. Mom just wanted you to be happy and live in a good life. If you live well, mother will be happy for you. Mother gave you a pair of wing and you could fly high. You don't have to be punished by mother's pains, that's not the way mother expected you to be. For my apology, I want to draw a picture as a gift for you. In the pictures, you'll really enjoy being with two girls in your life and you will live in a gratiful, peaceful and richness life without worrying of poor, danger, in security happen to your life.
以母親的角色與作為一個獨立的個體存在並無衝突,你不需要犧牲奉獻自由去迎合孩子,你要做的只是在一起生活的時間裡用愛包圍著孩子,讓她們感受到愛與陪伴這樣就夠了.
Nanako's view of this pictures:
Tree: Daddy,
Rat: Nanako
Tiger: Momoko
Sunflower: Mommy
Sound good, isn't it?
Doing following 5 things per day or weekly,
1. Love me
2. Love others
3. The thing I'm unwilling to do but should do
4. Exercise
5. Mind Training - breathing practice (nose in/out), yaga.
In the begining of the 5th week, I found "The thing I'm unwilling to do but should do" is "Being a mother" Wow, it is a cool founding!! Well, it is another story about how my mom affected my life.
I did not think I am a marriage material when I was 20 something. I did not want to be a mother, for me, mother is a symbol of "sacrifice", "24 hrs machine, no rest, chasing money, chasing everything to satify kids and family and asked no reward in return to herself. Even now, I heard a lot of comments that I am doing a good mother job, I still feel I am unwilling to be called "MOTHER".
The only reward my mother asked is our good score and good academic performance, and obtaining degree, so she could show off to relatives. This is too meet her desire and compensate her low education at her young age. This is also the only way she protected kids from being look down like the way she lived. She wants us having a brighter future, but big sis failed her. I realized that my mother raised us have to overcome many difficulties (finance is always our family's key problem) and so many efforts/energy. She gave up herself but spent every penny to raise us. I always know mother did not treat herself well, how could I live with my free willingness by requesting to learn some extra art class when I was little? How could I rebel like big sis that hurt mom's heart? How could I act like big bro. as I am not as smart as him? Any of My desire and reqeust will add financial burden to mom, I never want to do that to Mom and I don't want to experience Mom's problem when I grow up. The best way to avoid same issue is NO KID, then I could do whatever I want when I am an adult.
Mom tried so hard to afford us in a safe home but the house we lived was so run-down that showing her inability and we are poor. I should be gratitude but that run-down house made me so shame at school, especially our house was so closed to school, classmates know where and what house we lived, which made me difficult to make friends to others. In my mind, I would rather unborn than was born in this poor family.
I love mother so much, but I was weak, my ability can't satified her desire, my academic performance can't be her pride, so I came up the way to show her I love her, that is "be a good girl, and obediance to mom for lighting her life, made her less stressful and seems to be able to rely on me becuase I always try my best to be on her side. I know good score made her happy, so I tried, but my intelligence is not as good as big bro and I did not have a exceptional memory like my big sis. all I could do is spending most of my time in studying but my score was seldom ranked in Top 3. Go to university would make mother happy, so studying in senior high school was my only option. My score let me go to 3rd place of senior high school, where 2 hours in communty per trip. Everday round trip is 4 hours. That's my image of being a mother and my childhood. I was always tried to please mother. Mother did not force me anything, but I thought all I did is out of LOVE, because Mother I love you, I don't want you to be suffering from kid's bad performance. The truth is I hurt myself and my inner child.
If life of my kids and me like the way my mom and me, I don't want to be a mother at all. It is all bitter taste, the only sweeten in my mother's life is gaven by her children. How could you rely on your children to create a happiness to you? It is so hard, kids is kids. Kids are individul person. Unfortunately, I have a marriage with 2 girls, and I use to live in a hell, like the way my mother lived. Though my mother tried to re-set a new life to us, she made me a higher education as the basic element to trace "freedom" and have other choices in my life, my soul is prisoned. I don't well use of these advantages that my mother create for me, I don't have free will to do any thing, I was framed by mother's thought and old behavior. I have too much "what if" "what if" in my life. What if I put myself in 1st priority, my kids may...... What if I don't do it, how could I be a good mother?? The parenting difficulties my mother experienced, I am making myself to live with. I am not who I am, I am another form of my mother existed in the world. I used to remember that mother yelling at 3 of us that how hard she raise us. If she don't have us, she'll... well these were emtional wordings, but they into my hearts and root a negative thought of not easy to be a mother. That's why I always feel so hard/exhausted to be a mother and so impatience to kids, never enjoy in parenting. I used to set up a high standard to Nanako, and anger for her poor performance. I used to expect kids to be good girls like the way I was when I with my mother.. I was so wrong. I just follow my mother's method to teach my kids.
Dear Little Kechun,
When you're little, you bear too much stress of being a good girl and tried to share the pain that mother experienced but you've over loaded. You're sad. If it could be reset, I would like to tell you that you deserve to live the way you want, even you follow your heart and your midn to do any thing you want, your mother would love you unconditionally. Now, I want to hug you and say sorry to you. I did not take good care of you. Mom just wanted you to be happy and live in a good life. If you live well, mother will be happy for you. Mother gave you a pair of wing and you could fly high. You don't have to be punished by mother's pains, that's not the way mother expected you to be. For my apology, I want to draw a picture as a gift for you. In the pictures, you'll really enjoy being with two girls in your life and you will live in a gratiful, peaceful and richness life without worrying of poor, danger, in security happen to your life.
以母親的角色與作為一個獨立的個體存在並無衝突,你不需要犧牲奉獻自由去迎合孩子,你要做的只是在一起生活的時間裡用愛包圍著孩子,讓她們感受到愛與陪伴這樣就夠了. Nanako's view of this pictures:
Tree: Daddy,
Rat: Nanako
Tiger: Momoko
Sunflower: Mommy
Sound good, isn't it?
