The way of communication. I applied it to kids. I try to listen and empathy for what kids say,it works well. When I am trying to show empathy to kids, new thoughts (the positive one)came out of my mind and make the anger kids looks somehow cuter.1st week of execute communication, momoko keeps challenge me and nanako kept showingmomoko the way I treated them. I was the 3rd party in these situations. I clearly see howbad I was for two girls before. Shamed on me. I told nanako it is okay, let’s leave momokoalone and ignore momoko’s behavior for a while. Once she recoveried, she will be able tobehavior in usual way (angel). It lasts more than two weeks now, and kids got repairedbecause mother is not so sharp/hard on them, and then I found girls could treat each otherwith more tolerance and patience. But only if I was in good condition, sometimes(fewer time than before) when I was tired, my impatience uncontrolled showing out.Keep positive by doing the 5 things. and increase times in daily.Exercise everyday.I am aware of my emotions, release or repair.I should increase mediation times.Go back to talk to my inner child.Keep do something positive. Make POSITIVE POWER MAXMIUM.When positive minus negative and there's positive left, then I could call it a good day.oh, one more thing. I have to share my plant.I place the growing apple seeds next to grapefruit seed,Though, the smallest one (3rd one) of apple seed died,others grow very well. My apple seeds grow up and have heartshape leaves.
14.11.16
Weekly reveiw (2016. 11 15) part 2
Weekly review (2016.11.15) - part 1
The
1st 6 weeks session is end, I kept Teacher’s words in mind. She said I deserve to live better, and leave
others of family members alone, take good care of myself.
I
am thinking about how to be positive day by day without the teacher’s accompany
& instruction? Could I do it well by
myself? In fact, difficulties and
troubles come after me last week. These hit
my weakness, and I have to be mindful about handling them properly.
1st
one is sister’s financial problem. She
is short of fund all the time and always tries to borrow money from me, which I
was not affordable and I don’t have spare money to meet her request. She used to want me to re-loan more money by
using my house or using my credit to loan from bank. It is way too hard to say NO for a sister. But now, I think I did a right thing. A no is no.
Don’t have to feel guilty for others forcing you to do something out of
your ability. It is a hurt not a love. If she really love you, she should take good
care of herself, no matter in healthy or her finance. And I have to take care of myself and my kids
first. Once she found she couldn’t
borrow money from me, she asked me to buy down jacket for kids. These were not
big money but money indeed. Well, if
that would compensate my guilty, I did it.
I bought them from online and sis does not have to pay for the jackets. It seems no end of sis. Issue. She texted me on Friday (the day I was off),
she wanted me to give dad $2000 because dad is running out of money, so does
she. She told me that she gave Dad $2000
Sunday, however, dad told me on the Sunday, he did not take the money sis. Gave
him, he returned it to her… Does someone lie me? I trust dad, so…. Whatever, tracing by money
makes people do something to someone unexpectedly. I should keep them in my mind. When she texted me, I simply told sis. I will
meet dad in the noon on Friday. Then, I
had a date with dad, I prepared lunch box for dad. The time we took money from ATM, sis was so
closed to us because she was chatting with neighbor and I did not notice that. What an coincidence, the GOD wants sis to
watch this. Dad said actually, he still
have money, he was trying sis…. (well, nice try, and made me rethink, sis.
nature is somehow changed because of her big financial problem)
I
am confused about sis. and bro. behaviors.
Why don’t they face their financial problems and fix it? How could sis. support finance to big bro.
and make herself in a finance trouble and always asked for me to do same
sacrifice for her? Though I did not help her.
How could big bro. never face his financial problem? He have to cutting down his expenses, like
buying books, jogging and limit his desire?
If “LOVE” made them live in this kind of life, it is very sick to love
each other like this. Did mom love us
same way? (Good question to deep thinking)
2nd
one is poor experience. Shwan did not
have a job for 2 years and he started online business. The night Shawn talked to his partner in a
long conversation made me aware of Mei-An business is not a business at
all. They want people to join in and
invest money (seems a small money per time but long run & plus no income is
investing a large amount of money) and spent a lot of time to enroll more
people to join in. The attraction is the
perspective/vision they offered but too far/hard to reach. The way they paid you is from what you’ve
invested into. The one who successes is
these talkers or have personal charisma. Does he have? Double income is essential for
us. He did not have income and saving is
little, how could we survive from this kind of situation? His background is everything on his own, so
how could he live or raise kid without a job?
It made me worrying. I dislike
poor because of child experience. The
poor, tracing money and unaffordable desires made me fear and that kind of
fearful feeling rooted into my mind. Mom
is the good example of living in poor whole life. I don’t want to be the 2nd. However, will I? Mom creates a new condition for me, should I
be worried? I am capable to make money
and to raise kid. Well, I should focus
on my own life and raise kids with good plan of my finance. That will avoid the fearful feel of poor hit
me.
3rd
one is insurance issue. Classmates
visited me for providing me a saving version of insurance premier. Is it really a good one? Should I switch the original to this new
one? Have to think it thoroughly.
2.11.16
養成心靈富足
養成心靈富足 以充裕的愛與陪伴餵養女孩們
日子依舊,只是心態不同,難關比較不會卡關太久,好像5條命快用完了還能求救,多幾條命延續著闖關.
天冷,女孩們在穿著上依舊有她們的堅持,要穿裙子短褲配某色褲襪,不能顯胖,要看起來腿長顯瘦,除了自己喜歡外,還要穿到學校讓大家覺得你真得搭配的不錯. 配哪一件上衣? 總嫌棄媽媽幫她買的新衣服太醜,穿不出門, 真的喜歡的又太大件只能當睡衣. 孩子的總結總會是我都沒有衣服穿啦~怎麼去學校??? (媽媽的真心話是"孩子,不管怎樣你最後都得去學校阿~" )
如果跟女孩們認真了,媽媽還真是上輩子欠她們太多. 媽媽用旁觀者的角度陪伴,給予建議,離開靜止一下,然後聽到女兒再度哀嚎,再次呼叫媽媽,再一次給穿搭建議,談不上穿搭建議,單純的把已經講過得可以穿得裙褲再重複一次,通常,媽媽的建議對於她們來說都是"怎麼可能這樣穿出門?" "你的配色太黑太暗沉." "媽媽你都不懂啦" 與女孩們這樣的討論是一整個煩瑣耗時耗能的過程,慶幸大部分早晨有爸爸接送少了時間的壓力(雖然都送到遲到,但是那是送與被送者應該檢討的問題,媽媽就不要參雜進去了), 我能在一再跳針鬼打牆的討論中窺探小女孩們的內心世界與思維,用認同的態度同理她們, 才能處理好小女孩的糾結,這需要多麼扎實的心靈富足才足以應付.,呼應了第五堂課的溝通.
知道對方在想什麼，需要什麼, 你可給對方什麼 , 對方也可知道你要什麼
@切記，溝通如有衝突一定要把你的想法和love 完整表達出來
溝通3步驟:
1~願意傾聽（專心用心聽）首要的, 懸著一顆很願意陪伴的心等待……對方發球
2- 接納對方言語（切記勿打斷話素）
接納是接納孩子當下……的情緒感覺的一切，而非事實道德是非的評斷
2- 接納對方言語（切記勿打斷話素）
接納是接納孩子當下……的情緒感覺的一切，而非事實道德是非的評斷
先接收再重述對方語言一遍
（有和對方站一起的同理，也順便整個，一免聽錯，或語意的誤解）
（有和對方站一起的同理，也順便整個，一免聽錯，或語意的誤解）
3- 解決問題 -- 溝通是為了解，為了解決問題，為了達成共識
“”了解“”則是一切料理的基底
溝通元素就是 “聽和說”
1.11.16
Homework / My plant
I planted two Apple seeds on 10/16, it is 3rd week assignment. I have no idea what seeds I would like to plant and how to plant it. It made me so worrying that whole week. 10/16 Sunday night, Sis. prepared fruit, and I found apple seeds should work, and I could have soil from sis. green plants to plant the 2 apple seeds. Very rush but at least I complete my assignment... What a relief..
But worryings seems no end, plant a seed is one thing, growing up is another. Because I am a green hand, I google online and found I may plant the apple seeds wrong way. People all suggest to bath the seeds into water till they grow out, then placed them to soil. But I did not do it that way. I am worrying if my seeds be bite by ants, because some apple leftover was planted into soil, too... So, I ate apple again and collect more seeds to plant on 10/20. I bathed them in water on a bowl, waiting for them to grow out.... I thought either one may work. I wait one week, none of them grow out... Did they die? Not enough of water???? Well, the only thing I could do is waiting.... Like the time I expected girls to grow up, I am kinds of nervous about seeds I planted. I has a lot of worrying and what if.. What if none of them grow out? What if the water I pour is too little? What if the soil I used does not have turition? What if I burried them too deep to grow??? This is my first time, the uncertainty makes me anxious...
Apple seeds are still very quiet. OK, I gave up. Classmate gave us orange as gift. So, I planted 3 orange seeds on 10/27 after I ate it. One of them grow out on 11/1! Tiny green leaves grew around the corner of the bowl. Nice job, you're so quickly, Pinky Guy! and the same moment, I saw a very very green leave on apple plant, is it weed? or is my apple seed grow out? Oh my God, I can't tell what it is.. just wait and see. 11/2, apple seeds grow bigger, well, I can tell it is pretty shy girl. And guess what? 11/2, two of bathing apple seeds grow out, too... I planted them to apple cup this morning.
These are my plants and my proud.
 |
| Pinky Guys, 11/2 |
 |
| Apple girls, 11/1 |
Film: 我出去一下
An unexpected day off, I spent my time to be an elegant mother in the morning. Taking kids to school and then riding bicycle to Market, I once thought of riding bicycle to go around the river bank of Taipei city but it was too hot to do it. So I gave up and go to Traditional market, bought socks for girls and a small cross shoulder bag for myself. It is dark blue color, size is very small for stuffing a cellphone, money, tissue, MRT card, and a lip stick into it. But, but, it is just fit me so well. It's me bag.. (Girls dislike this bag, momoko said it is too small, Nanako said what hell it is? weired Design, anyway, they are against me all the time, never mind of them) Then I went home and prepared dinner in advance. Once it was done, what else could I do for this luxuary day off? A sleep? A movie?? It is nice to watch a movie myself, and I used to do it when I was single, so I check movie timetable... I was attracted by A film, named " I am off then.." My inner voice told me that I MUST GO.. So, I go there, and a little bit late and full of audiances. It was over booked, and I have time limitation, so I sat in the ladder of aile to watch this movie." I am off then" is filming a famous director who is ill, and doctor suggested him to take 3 months off. Then, he randomly picked a trip to himself, and went on his Pilgrim, he told his colleagues that "I am off". It was 800 miles of walking, on his way, he met many pilgrims looking for God. He pretended he is no body, but fans recognized him, he tried to make friends with some guys, but these girls kept distance to him, he wants to keep clean, unlike other pilgrims who stay in Youth hotel, he stayed in hotels but collect stamp of Youth Hotel. Everyone wants to be different but doing samething like others. It is ironic. He realized he needed a break, so he took bus to next stop instead of walking, it was found by a journalist and was teased as SO UNPILGRIM. So what?? The Pilgrim seems a boring walking but you have to explore, experience, try and then have some feedback or foundings. It is no end of this journey. You can go on or you can stop in the half way, it depends on you and your situation. Never regreat for your decision. We have to mind change/abadon something/open mind to others, then we can bring something new in/earn something in reward. The director found God, and his inner peace, and help others to find theirs. So do me.
27.10.16
Homework/ my founding
Weekly Homework...
Doing following 5 things per day or weekly,
1. Love me
2. Love others
3. The thing I'm unwilling to do but should do
4. Exercise
5. Mind Training - breathing practice (nose in/out), yaga.
In the begining of the 5th week, I found "The thing I'm unwilling to do but should do" is "Being a mother" Wow, it is a cool founding!! Well, it is another story about how my mom affected my life.
I did not think I am a marriage material when I was 20 something. I did not want to be a mother, for me, mother is a symbol of "sacrifice", "24 hrs machine, no rest, chasing money, chasing everything to satify kids and family and asked no reward in return to herself. Even now, I heard a lot of comments that I am doing a good mother job, I still feel I am unwilling to be called "MOTHER".
The only reward my mother asked is our good score and good academic performance, and obtaining degree, so she could show off to relatives. This is too meet her desire and compensate her low education at her young age. This is also the only way she protected kids from being look down like the way she lived. She wants us having a brighter future, but big sis failed her. I realized that my mother raised us have to overcome many difficulties (finance is always our family's key problem) and so many efforts/energy. She gave up herself but spent every penny to raise us. I always know mother did not treat herself well, how could I live with my free willingness by requesting to learn some extra art class when I was little? How could I rebel like big sis that hurt mom's heart? How could I act like big bro. as I am not as smart as him? Any of My desire and reqeust will add financial burden to mom, I never want to do that to Mom and I don't want to experience Mom's problem when I grow up. The best way to avoid same issue is NO KID, then I could do whatever I want when I am an adult.
Mom tried so hard to afford us in a safe home but the house we lived was so run-down that showing her inability and we are poor. I should be gratitude but that run-down house made me so shame at school, especially our house was so closed to school, classmates know where and what house we lived, which made me difficult to make friends to others. In my mind, I would rather unborn than was born in this poor family.
I love mother so much, but I was weak, my ability can't satified her desire, my academic performance can't be her pride, so I came up the way to show her I love her, that is "be a good girl, and obediance to mom for lighting her life, made her less stressful and seems to be able to rely on me becuase I always try my best to be on her side. I know good score made her happy, so I tried, but my intelligence is not as good as big bro and I did not have a exceptional memory like my big sis. all I could do is spending most of my time in studying but my score was seldom ranked in Top 3. Go to university would make mother happy, so studying in senior high school was my only option. My score let me go to 3rd place of senior high school, where 2 hours in communty per trip. Everday round trip is 4 hours. That's my image of being a mother and my childhood. I was always tried to please mother. Mother did not force me anything, but I thought all I did is out of LOVE, because Mother I love you, I don't want you to be suffering from kid's bad performance. The truth is I hurt myself and my inner child.
If life of my kids and me like the way my mom and me, I don't want to be a mother at all. It is all bitter taste, the only sweeten in my mother's life is gaven by her children. How could you rely on your children to create a happiness to you? It is so hard, kids is kids. Kids are individul person. Unfortunately, I have a marriage with 2 girls, and I use to live in a hell, like the way my mother lived. Though my mother tried to re-set a new life to us, she made me a higher education as the basic element to trace "freedom" and have other choices in my life, my soul is prisoned. I don't well use of these advantages that my mother create for me, I don't have free will to do any thing, I was framed by mother's thought and old behavior. I have too much "what if" "what if" in my life. What if I put myself in 1st priority, my kids may...... What if I don't do it, how could I be a good mother?? The parenting difficulties my mother experienced, I am making myself to live with. I am not who I am, I am another form of my mother existed in the world. I used to remember that mother yelling at 3 of us that how hard she raise us. If she don't have us, she'll... well these were emtional wordings, but they into my hearts and root a negative thought of not easy to be a mother. That's why I always feel so hard/exhausted to be a mother and so impatience to kids, never enjoy in parenting. I used to set up a high standard to Nanako, and anger for her poor performance. I used to expect kids to be good girls like the way I was when I with my mother.. I was so wrong. I just follow my mother's method to teach my kids.
Dear Little Kechun,
When you're little, you bear too much stress of being a good girl and tried to share the pain that mother experienced but you've over loaded. You're sad. If it could be reset, I would like to tell you that you deserve to live the way you want, even you follow your heart and your midn to do any thing you want, your mother would love you unconditionally. Now, I want to hug you and say sorry to you. I did not take good care of you. Mom just wanted you to be happy and live in a good life. If you live well, mother will be happy for you. Mother gave you a pair of wing and you could fly high. You don't have to be punished by mother's pains, that's not the way mother expected you to be. For my apology, I want to draw a picture as a gift for you. In the pictures, you'll really enjoy being with two girls in your life and you will live in a gratiful, peaceful and richness life without worrying of poor, danger, in security happen to your life.
以母親的角色與作為一個獨立的個體存在並無衝突,你不需要犧牲奉獻自由去迎合孩子,你要做的只是在一起生活的時間裡用愛包圍著孩子,讓她們感受到愛與陪伴這樣就夠了.
Nanako's view of this pictures:
Tree: Daddy,
Rat: Nanako
Tiger: Momoko
Sunflower: Mommy
Sound good, isn't it?
Doing following 5 things per day or weekly,
1. Love me
2. Love others
3. The thing I'm unwilling to do but should do
4. Exercise
5. Mind Training - breathing practice (nose in/out), yaga.
In the begining of the 5th week, I found "The thing I'm unwilling to do but should do" is "Being a mother" Wow, it is a cool founding!! Well, it is another story about how my mom affected my life.
I did not think I am a marriage material when I was 20 something. I did not want to be a mother, for me, mother is a symbol of "sacrifice", "24 hrs machine, no rest, chasing money, chasing everything to satify kids and family and asked no reward in return to herself. Even now, I heard a lot of comments that I am doing a good mother job, I still feel I am unwilling to be called "MOTHER".
The only reward my mother asked is our good score and good academic performance, and obtaining degree, so she could show off to relatives. This is too meet her desire and compensate her low education at her young age. This is also the only way she protected kids from being look down like the way she lived. She wants us having a brighter future, but big sis failed her. I realized that my mother raised us have to overcome many difficulties (finance is always our family's key problem) and so many efforts/energy. She gave up herself but spent every penny to raise us. I always know mother did not treat herself well, how could I live with my free willingness by requesting to learn some extra art class when I was little? How could I rebel like big sis that hurt mom's heart? How could I act like big bro. as I am not as smart as him? Any of My desire and reqeust will add financial burden to mom, I never want to do that to Mom and I don't want to experience Mom's problem when I grow up. The best way to avoid same issue is NO KID, then I could do whatever I want when I am an adult.
Mom tried so hard to afford us in a safe home but the house we lived was so run-down that showing her inability and we are poor. I should be gratitude but that run-down house made me so shame at school, especially our house was so closed to school, classmates know where and what house we lived, which made me difficult to make friends to others. In my mind, I would rather unborn than was born in this poor family.
I love mother so much, but I was weak, my ability can't satified her desire, my academic performance can't be her pride, so I came up the way to show her I love her, that is "be a good girl, and obediance to mom for lighting her life, made her less stressful and seems to be able to rely on me becuase I always try my best to be on her side. I know good score made her happy, so I tried, but my intelligence is not as good as big bro and I did not have a exceptional memory like my big sis. all I could do is spending most of my time in studying but my score was seldom ranked in Top 3. Go to university would make mother happy, so studying in senior high school was my only option. My score let me go to 3rd place of senior high school, where 2 hours in communty per trip. Everday round trip is 4 hours. That's my image of being a mother and my childhood. I was always tried to please mother. Mother did not force me anything, but I thought all I did is out of LOVE, because Mother I love you, I don't want you to be suffering from kid's bad performance. The truth is I hurt myself and my inner child.
If life of my kids and me like the way my mom and me, I don't want to be a mother at all. It is all bitter taste, the only sweeten in my mother's life is gaven by her children. How could you rely on your children to create a happiness to you? It is so hard, kids is kids. Kids are individul person. Unfortunately, I have a marriage with 2 girls, and I use to live in a hell, like the way my mother lived. Though my mother tried to re-set a new life to us, she made me a higher education as the basic element to trace "freedom" and have other choices in my life, my soul is prisoned. I don't well use of these advantages that my mother create for me, I don't have free will to do any thing, I was framed by mother's thought and old behavior. I have too much "what if" "what if" in my life. What if I put myself in 1st priority, my kids may...... What if I don't do it, how could I be a good mother?? The parenting difficulties my mother experienced, I am making myself to live with. I am not who I am, I am another form of my mother existed in the world. I used to remember that mother yelling at 3 of us that how hard she raise us. If she don't have us, she'll... well these were emtional wordings, but they into my hearts and root a negative thought of not easy to be a mother. That's why I always feel so hard/exhausted to be a mother and so impatience to kids, never enjoy in parenting. I used to set up a high standard to Nanako, and anger for her poor performance. I used to expect kids to be good girls like the way I was when I with my mother.. I was so wrong. I just follow my mother's method to teach my kids.
Dear Little Kechun,
When you're little, you bear too much stress of being a good girl and tried to share the pain that mother experienced but you've over loaded. You're sad. If it could be reset, I would like to tell you that you deserve to live the way you want, even you follow your heart and your midn to do any thing you want, your mother would love you unconditionally. Now, I want to hug you and say sorry to you. I did not take good care of you. Mom just wanted you to be happy and live in a good life. If you live well, mother will be happy for you. Mother gave you a pair of wing and you could fly high. You don't have to be punished by mother's pains, that's not the way mother expected you to be. For my apology, I want to draw a picture as a gift for you. In the pictures, you'll really enjoy being with two girls in your life and you will live in a gratiful, peaceful and richness life without worrying of poor, danger, in security happen to your life.
以母親的角色與作為一個獨立的個體存在並無衝突,你不需要犧牲奉獻自由去迎合孩子,你要做的只是在一起生活的時間裡用愛包圍著孩子,讓她們感受到愛與陪伴這樣就夠了. Nanako's view of this pictures:
Tree: Daddy,
Rat: Nanako
Tiger: Momoko
Sunflower: Mommy
Sound good, isn't it?
26.10.16
Healing MIL issue
The 4th class. This week's subject is Husband/Partner/the Ex.
I don't think my hubby and I has a serious problem, so keep a light mood in class.
When we discuss husbands or the relationship we used to experience, I told Teacher that in the marriage, hubby won't be a problem to me, but MIL bothers me the most. She keeps asking me to have a son to carry on family name. In fact, I mentioned MIL issue once when I came to the 1st or the 2nd class, I really want to get ride of her because she is not the one I care, how should her words afffect my mind, dominate my life? That time, teacher told me to draw a photo of us, just 4 people, hubby, me and 2 girls circled by pink circle. I did it but it did not help at all. I still hates/dislikes MIL.
Today, MIL issue bumps out my mouth again. I always think MIL should skip having a son issue since I told them I don't want to give a birth anymore, and hubby told his mother that we're totally fine with 2 girls in our life. , or she should give me a break because I am "TOO OLD TO HAVE A BABY" anymore but she seems nonstop. She still mentioned it to me several times during this Mid-Autumn Festival holiday. I thought I can't put it down because of her replay all the time. After the 4th class, I finally found the root of problem. It is not MIL fault.
In fact, it is complications in my mind. I thank MIL for being independent and take good care of herself so we can live the way we like in Taipei. I felt gratitude for her to travelling so often, which means she is healthy old lady with her own social life. I appreciate her for taking care / love momoko. I thank her for stay in Kaohsiung for Hubby and her grand child have a place to go, they could tell us we go to grandpa's house. But I hate her for following reasons:
1. never saying thing straight. (Talk Art? bullshit)
2. always treat her 2nd daughter as a VVIP. (of course, she helps MIL a lot)
3. making my mom's leg broken..
4. did not take good care of momoko as good as my mother took care of nanako. 5. did not paying when I delivered a baby..
6. My mother's MIL issue cause my trauma because I listen to mother's repeat hundreds and thousands of times.
7. Keeps talking to me to have a son to carry family name.
8. give me hard time when we newly marriage.
9. When I was sick, her response are totally different than her action... (never be expect an MIL like a mother which really hurt my feeling).
10. so stingy.
My mother's MIL issue. -- Mom, I knew you're suffering in these bad experiences. I understood how hard it was for you to live in a new environment at 19 years old with a new born baby and no hubby around. It is so difficult for young girl for not have enough resting and do a lot of extra works for in law. I knew the poor of grandpa (your father) made you so shame and your MIL never treated you equally like they treat other brother, sister and sis. in law. They always told that their kids are well educated, so you are shamed for only completion of Elementary school studying. And they made you to do so much routine errands and restriction of freedom and finance made you want to escape. You had the courage to escape MIL house and took all of us to move to Luzhu. You're so brave and we're so lucy to have you. I know having a son to carry family name is a burden and very stressful for you, so Grandpa took you to God and wishing God gave you a son, but just one son. If you have two sons, there's only one could survive. Under stress of having 2nd son, you have me. You're so happy that I am girl so you could keep big bro. forever. I knew you're suffering so much, we used to tell you that you should put your anger down because all suffers are past, and useless to carry them in your life. We forgot to heal your pain by hugging you and forgot to tell you "you must be very painful". You could cry if it would help you somewhere, we're here with you. We forgot to hug you when you needs a support or comfort. You're doing so well, so brave. I am so sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I always always love you so much.
Dear Little Kechun, I am sorry for having you carry mom's MIL problem to your life, and carry it to your marriage. Mother's unhappy memory is so meaningful to you, but I did not aware of it. I knew you'r unhappy if mother was unhappy. If it starts over again, I want to tell you it is okay, you deserve a better life without disturbing by mother's sad feeling/memory. You're so blessed girl with mother and grandpa's love around you and protect you. Now I want to hug you and say sorry to you, I did not take good care of you for reducing the stress from you and leading you to focus on the thing you're interested in. To apology, I would like to give you a candy as gift to compenate you.
I don't think my hubby and I has a serious problem, so keep a light mood in class.
When we discuss husbands or the relationship we used to experience, I told Teacher that in the marriage, hubby won't be a problem to me, but MIL bothers me the most. She keeps asking me to have a son to carry on family name. In fact, I mentioned MIL issue once when I came to the 1st or the 2nd class, I really want to get ride of her because she is not the one I care, how should her words afffect my mind, dominate my life? That time, teacher told me to draw a photo of us, just 4 people, hubby, me and 2 girls circled by pink circle. I did it but it did not help at all. I still hates/dislikes MIL.
Today, MIL issue bumps out my mouth again. I always think MIL should skip having a son issue since I told them I don't want to give a birth anymore, and hubby told his mother that we're totally fine with 2 girls in our life. , or she should give me a break because I am "TOO OLD TO HAVE A BABY" anymore but she seems nonstop. She still mentioned it to me several times during this Mid-Autumn Festival holiday. I thought I can't put it down because of her replay all the time. After the 4th class, I finally found the root of problem. It is not MIL fault.
In fact, it is complications in my mind. I thank MIL for being independent and take good care of herself so we can live the way we like in Taipei. I felt gratitude for her to travelling so often, which means she is healthy old lady with her own social life. I appreciate her for taking care / love momoko. I thank her for stay in Kaohsiung for Hubby and her grand child have a place to go, they could tell us we go to grandpa's house. But I hate her for following reasons:
1. never saying thing straight. (Talk Art? bullshit)
2. always treat her 2nd daughter as a VVIP. (of course, she helps MIL a lot)
3. making my mom's leg broken..
4. did not take good care of momoko as good as my mother took care of nanako. 5. did not paying when I delivered a baby..
7. Keeps talking to me to have a son to carry family name.
8. give me hard time when we newly marriage.
9. When I was sick, her response are totally different than her action... (never be expect an MIL like a mother which really hurt my feeling).
10. so stingy.
After making up this list, I found out the root of problem. I misunderstood what I'm really anger with, MIL is not the subject to be blamed for, I could totally ingore her when my mom was still alive. No matter what MIL said, these words never came to my mind. I won't carry her words to my life. When mother past away, I put my anger to MIL and hate her so much. Sorry, please forgive me, thank you, and I love you! Actaully, I carried my mother issue of MIL pressure to my 9 years marriage. I wants to avoid same mistakes that my mom made, till now, I found I live with most of these mistake and regreats for my mother's sake. I loves my mother so much that I don't think I should be punished and if I suffered for mom, mom would be less stressful. Oh, my God, what a foolish I am. It is not a "LOVE"!!! it is a "sick behavior"...
My mother's MIL issue. -- Mom, I knew you're suffering in these bad experiences. I understood how hard it was for you to live in a new environment at 19 years old with a new born baby and no hubby around. It is so difficult for young girl for not have enough resting and do a lot of extra works for in law. I knew the poor of grandpa (your father) made you so shame and your MIL never treated you equally like they treat other brother, sister and sis. in law. They always told that their kids are well educated, so you are shamed for only completion of Elementary school studying. And they made you to do so much routine errands and restriction of freedom and finance made you want to escape. You had the courage to escape MIL house and took all of us to move to Luzhu. You're so brave and we're so lucy to have you. I know having a son to carry family name is a burden and very stressful for you, so Grandpa took you to God and wishing God gave you a son, but just one son. If you have two sons, there's only one could survive. Under stress of having 2nd son, you have me. You're so happy that I am girl so you could keep big bro. forever. I knew you're suffering so much, we used to tell you that you should put your anger down because all suffers are past, and useless to carry them in your life. We forgot to heal your pain by hugging you and forgot to tell you "you must be very painful". You could cry if it would help you somewhere, we're here with you. We forgot to hug you when you needs a support or comfort. You're doing so well, so brave. I am so sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I always always love you so much.
Dear Little Kechun, I am sorry for having you carry mom's MIL problem to your life, and carry it to your marriage. Mother's unhappy memory is so meaningful to you, but I did not aware of it. I knew you'r unhappy if mother was unhappy. If it starts over again, I want to tell you it is okay, you deserve a better life without disturbing by mother's sad feeling/memory. You're so blessed girl with mother and grandpa's love around you and protect you. Now I want to hug you and say sorry to you, I did not take good care of you for reducing the stress from you and leading you to focus on the thing you're interested in. To apology, I would like to give you a candy as gift to compenate you.
24.8.16
being with momoko 1st time.
跟孩子相處有好多第一次, 老二快六歲了, 媽媽才第一次跟momoko單獨過三天三夜,一開始媽媽很抗拒, 因為這個孩子遇到媽媽就很會鬧彆扭,哭起來就不饒人的態度，讓媽媽常常想退貨...
要帶回南部婆家丟包,她總是第一選擇.
其實momo除了外表不像媽媽,其實骨子裡跟媽媽一個模子,那種固執,愛哭,堅持....面對這樣個性的孩子,當時我的母親怎麼會有那麼多耐性帶我,疼我,不管怎樣依舊愛我？ 在有愛的環境下成長的孩子確實會長的比較漂亮, 而我卻對於跟我個性相似的孩子完全沒有耐性,對於孩子我總是有條件的愛著她們,我接受我能接受的"良好 well manners",我給她們設定一個小框架裡面有母親對孩子的期望要她們遵守,就像當初我的母親對待我們一樣, 另外,對於無法改變的"天性 their natures" 總是抱持著反感,反對,厭惡的態度面對,讓孩子的世界充滿挫折,我的育兒日子充滿壓力與疲憊．
這一次,留在台北的孩子是很興奮的,她說終於可以跟媽媽在台北，第一次耶! 星期五一早起床有傷心的哭一下(因為爸爸姐姐南下沒帶她), 幸好沒有傷心太久,就順利的帶出門,去安親班去上班, 其實一對一的好處就是少了同儕的競爭,孩子的脾氣也比較好掌握,隔天帶她去圖書館,去市場,去麥當勞玩ＶＲ遊戲, VR playground 沒有其他小孩時媽媽陪玩一下,有小朋友媽媽就能退場,而她也能跟陌生的孩子完成一片,一兩個小時過去,媽媽吹冷氣看書,她也活動筋骨,倒是很好打發時間．三天三夜相處後才發現,其實她，雖然有自己的想法但慾望不多算是很好帶的孩子呢．
要帶回南部婆家丟包,她總是第一選擇.
其實momo除了外表不像媽媽,其實骨子裡跟媽媽一個模子,那種固執,愛哭,堅持....面對這樣個性的孩子,當時我的母親怎麼會有那麼多耐性帶我,疼我,不管怎樣依舊愛我？ 在有愛的環境下成長的孩子確實會長的比較漂亮, 而我卻對於跟我個性相似的孩子完全沒有耐性,對於孩子我總是有條件的愛著她們,我接受我能接受的"良好 well manners",我給她們設定一個小框架裡面有母親對孩子的期望要她們遵守,就像當初我的母親對待我們一樣, 另外,對於無法改變的"天性 their natures" 總是抱持著反感,反對,厭惡的態度面對,讓孩子的世界充滿挫折,我的育兒日子充滿壓力與疲憊．
這一次,留在台北的孩子是很興奮的,她說終於可以跟媽媽在台北，第一次耶! 星期五一早起床有傷心的哭一下(因為爸爸姐姐南下沒帶她), 幸好沒有傷心太久,就順利的帶出門,去安親班去上班, 其實一對一的好處就是少了同儕的競爭,孩子的脾氣也比較好掌握,隔天帶她去圖書館,去市場,去麥當勞玩ＶＲ遊戲, VR playground 沒有其他小孩時媽媽陪玩一下,有小朋友媽媽就能退場,而她也能跟陌生的孩子完成一片,一兩個小時過去,媽媽吹冷氣看書,她也活動筋骨,倒是很好打發時間．三天三夜相處後才發現,其實她，雖然有自己的想法但慾望不多算是很好帶的孩子呢．
11.8.16
2016.8.11 NO LONGER MOMMY'S BABYGIRL, BUT GIRLS MOM!
認識黃淑文老師緣起於『媽媽做自己，孩子就能做自己』,從家庭層面來看自己, 我從來不是個從容做自己的人,更排斥身為媽媽所應該承擔的責任與義務。然而, 每個生命都是有計畫的來到這個世界上,自己有自己的任務需完成，每個事件都有其發生的原因，轉念是「轉換今心」用不一樣的心念去看待【壞事】，反饋到心理層面的結果必然不同。
母親走後,我非常的悲傷,完全無法以文字紓解對媽媽的想念與心裡的寂寞。我的母親除了媽媽的角色也是我一生中最好的朋友,我的心靈導師，生活的支柱，我們無話不談，完全相互依賴著，被媽媽的愛圈養著滋潤著。如果問我失去最重要的人的痛何時可以消除? 其實痛只會隨著時間與經歷淡化。大概是你可以好好的跟別人說說這個人的時候,那表示已經沒那麼痛了。是的,確實如此。所幸一直有好朋友們的情感的支持與陪伴度過最煎熬的時間。
母親離開之後，其實真正桎梏自己的是我那破碎的玻璃心跟對母親的罪責感 與對自己的怨對。過去兩年的時間裡，我始終活在如果我當時有....也許媽媽還活著的想法中。也許知道我會如此放不下，母親很早之前就對我說過,算命的說她活不過60歲，樣的說法並無法解開我心中的死結。 母親離開後, 我在女性友人間找支持的力量，從吃藥中獲得一些些舒緩，也試圖從書中為自己的情緒找出口，『零極限』一系列的書籍對我有些助益，轉折的起點，概念簡單，卻不易內化執行。2015年底2016年初身體出了狀況, 失去媽媽後,才真切的體驗到 孩子身體病痛之苦只有母親會視為己痛, 除了母親視我為比她的命還重要的珍寶之外, 沒有任何人有責任或義務看顧你。 也意識到獨行之路唯有自己顧好自己最實在，畢竟人人各有一本生命計畫書需執行。這個階段後期, 讀了淑文老師的『在愛裡活著』一書,關於見證一個死囚的死亡生命歷程，很好哭的一本書。喪親之痛好好哭一场,有稍稍消弱悲傷。
後來看一部20集的韓劇『我親愛的朋友們』用孩子的眼口講述一群老朋友的老病死情愛，一群老戲精演活了戲中的老人們，更觸動了我內心對媽媽的想念，這戲太好哭了，20集斷斷續續從年初看到現在一直沒法完全看完，隨意播放，看著戲中的腳色似乎慢慢能理解為何媽媽會做出死亡的選擇，如果生命終點她還能為所愛的人做點什麼，那麼【勇敢的死亡】是她最後遺留給我們的愛，只是這禮物給的太沉太重而我太脆弱難以消受。
母親離開之後，其實真正桎梏自己的是我那破碎的玻璃心跟對母親的罪責感 與對自己的怨對。過去兩年的時間裡，我始終活在如果我當時有....也許媽媽還活著的想法中。也許知道我會如此放不下，母親很早之前就對我說過,算命的說她活不過60歲，樣的說法並無法解開我心中的死結。 母親離開後, 我在女性友人間找支持的力量，從吃藥中獲得一些些舒緩，也試圖從書中為自己的情緒找出口，『零極限』一系列的書籍對我有些助益，轉折的起點，概念簡單，卻不易內化執行。2015年底2016年初身體出了狀況, 失去媽媽後,才真切的體驗到 孩子身體病痛之苦只有母親會視為己痛, 除了母親視我為比她的命還重要的珍寶之外, 沒有任何人有責任或義務看顧你。 也意識到獨行之路唯有自己顧好自己最實在，畢竟人人各有一本生命計畫書需執行。這個階段後期, 讀了淑文老師的『在愛裡活著』一書,關於見證一個死囚的死亡生命歷程，很好哭的一本書。喪親之痛好好哭一场,有稍稍消弱悲傷。
後來看一部20集的韓劇『我親愛的朋友們』用孩子的眼口講述一群老朋友的老病死情愛，一群老戲精演活了戲中的老人們，更觸動了我內心對媽媽的想念，這戲太好哭了，20集斷斷續續從年初看到現在一直沒法完全看完，隨意播放，看著戲中的腳色似乎慢慢能理解為何媽媽會做出死亡的選擇，如果生命終點她還能為所愛的人做點什麼，那麼【勇敢的死亡】是她最後遺留給我們的愛，只是這禮物給的太沉太重而我太脆弱難以消受。
提到生命計畫書,過去被母親保護的我，必須開始獨立完成自己的生命計畫書，而這兩年的悲傷，生活中的創傷， 身體問題，財務問題，都是最好的練習題。現在正在閱讀的『你是盡責憂慮者嗎?別再杞人憂天,找回平靜人生』與『每天都是放手的練習』跟8月初已經看完的淑文老師的『人生難免會有傷』，終於開始走向自我療癒之路，而我的身分已不再是那個 媽媽的baby girl, 而是girls’ mother。
感謝那些在喪母之痛的日子裡陪我走一段的朋友,謝謝你們... (提到母親能寫出一些文字,我想我已經盡了我的洪荒之力了) 影片是這兩天,我反覆看了好幾次,每次都讓我很開心的影片, 很喜歡這個女孩受訪時的真情流露)
感謝那些在喪母之痛的日子裡陪我走一段的朋友,謝謝你們... (提到母親能寫出一些文字,我想我已經盡了我的洪荒之力了) 影片是這兩天,我反覆看了好幾次,每次都讓我很開心的影片, 很喜歡這個女孩受訪時的真情流露)
15.5.16
2016/5/14 中醫診
因為小腹實在大的很離譜,這兩三週有越來越大的趨勢 (目測約4個月身孕的凸度,漲胸,腹悶的感覺,嗜睡,淺眠,愛吃到12分飽,想吐) 兩包庫存的中藥吃完,肚子消氣一點,但是身體還是unhappy... 以上症狀太像有孕,所以事先驗過沒孕,完全是經前症候群的一些症狀.
週六拖著姊妹去看中醫,很難得身體狀況居然受到醫生的誇獎,診斷的結果是：
1.膽內的油少了?(怎麼可能???難道偶爾喝喝美安產品真的有改善體質？)
2.心臟有力 (可能最近睡的很多, 晚上10點睡,中午午休也睡),
3. 心情大改善沒把到壓力的脈,(是說可能早晚會沒頭路,所以工作上不再那麼追求完美, 小孩錯了就罵不再抑郁)．
4. 以上症狀改善,需要調理的部分就是單純的婦科,把基礎體溫拉高讓月經來即可．
5. 想請他開減肥的藥,但醫生完全不想聽．．．唉,還是只能靠自己了．
週六拖著姊妹去看中醫,很難得身體狀況居然受到醫生的誇獎,診斷的結果是：
1.膽內的油少了?(怎麼可能???難道偶爾喝喝美安產品真的有改善體質？)
2.心臟有力 (可能最近睡的很多, 晚上10點睡,中午午休也睡),
3. 心情大改善沒把到壓力的脈,(是說可能早晚會沒頭路,所以工作上不再那麼追求完美, 小孩錯了就罵不再抑郁)．
4. 以上症狀改善,需要調理的部分就是單純的婦科,把基礎體溫拉高讓月經來即可．
5. 想請他開減肥的藥,但醫生完全不想聽．．．唉,還是只能靠自己了．
9.5.16
2016/5/7 母親節
母親去世後的母親節除了孩子送的卡片之外, 似乎跟我沒什麼關係,
因為稅單寄到舊家,只好回台北前去拿, 許久沒踏上去的五樓,按了門鈴,從窗外看進去,門口幾雙拖鞋,來應答的婦人讓我吃了一驚, 雖沒有媽媽的神韻,但是髮型(燙捲set的短髮)與黃色t恤配黑色七分褲,甜甜的笑容,那不是媽媽嗎? 不知道是幾年前,那些年我按了門鈴還能幫我開門開開心心迎我回家的媽媽..... 不是的,是房客.
她熱烈的邀請我進去看看自己的家,而我當下只能帶著孩子而逃,我怕多待上一刻眼淚會忍不住.. 原來傷痛只是沉到底下,沒有浮出來罷了
因為稅單寄到舊家,只好回台北前去拿, 許久沒踏上去的五樓,按了門鈴,從窗外看進去,門口幾雙拖鞋,來應答的婦人讓我吃了一驚, 雖沒有媽媽的神韻,但是髮型(燙捲set的短髮)與黃色t恤配黑色七分褲,甜甜的笑容,那不是媽媽嗎? 不知道是幾年前,那些年我按了門鈴還能幫我開門開開心心迎我回家的媽媽..... 不是的,是房客.
她熱烈的邀請我進去看看自己的家,而我當下只能帶著孩子而逃,我怕多待上一刻眼淚會忍不住.. 原來傷痛只是沉到底下,沒有浮出來罷了
3.3.16
2016.3 親子三溫暖
1+2 的生活偶爾持續著,是有壓力的,壓力顯現再身體狀況上.
用新奇有趣的眼光看著兩個孩子成長,其實還不錯.
鑒於前一晚媽媽生氣她們看了一個多小時的DVD, 已經看太久八點後不能看電視 , 姐姐再回家的路上商量著要看30分鐘DVD,再看一下電視. 媽媽請孩子先洗澡,媽媽弄晚餐,洗澡晚餐後才可以看一下DVD.
不用洗頭的日子,姐姐可以自己洗澡,而妹妹也努力的學習自己搓洗沖水(聽說是要趕快學會自己洗澡, 把幫她洗澡洗的很爛的爸爸換掉), 孩子很努力呢~
晚上睡前,陪妹妹共讀認字,姐姐準備自己待會要講的故事,等妹妹讀完換媽媽躺著聽姐姐念故事,原來媽媽也有過的這麼爽的一天~ 讚.
講完故事,姐姐的Q&A妹妹答不出來,所以妹妹依舊是以鬧脾氣收尾, 眼看著妹妹會越鬧越大,媽媽說故事時間結束,關燈躺好,姐姐就聊起五四三來了,
姐說: 星期六學校日好像有扯鈴老師的演講,兩個小時想去聽可是可能無法站足兩個小時,說著老師學扯鈴的過程,也能扯到自己的扯鈴繩子應該有問題,不然怎麼會扯不好呢? 也講到自己班上的體育課什麼都教卻什麼都教一半.
姐又說: 聽說孩子12-18歲就是青少年,青少年喜歡做一些事情,抽煙喝酒什麼什麼的.不能做的這個年紀全要做.
媽媽說: 是阿,是青少年,也叫青春期, 不過不用青春期,小孩也一樣,硬是不能做的越是要做.
妹妹說: 哇那姐姐快到這個年紀了,18歲還有10年耶,好快! 姐18歲要做什麼呢?
媽媽說: 對啊,18歲可能交男朋友, 去約會了.
講到這個,母女三人尖叫笑成一團.
講到男朋友的話題,
姐問: 媽媽如果爸爸有女朋友你會怎樣?
媽說; 女朋友? 以前還是現在
姐說; 是假如拉
媽說; 就把姊妹送給你爸,讓他自己帶,媽媽自己住, 也交個男朋友阿..
姊妹馬上搶著說: 媽媽跟我住. 媽媽跟我住
妹妹還補姐一槍 : 不要跟姐住,跟她住還要管功課要生氣.
媽媽對妹妹說: 跟你住,你也隨時會發脾氣
聽到媽媽這麼說妹妹馬上氣的大哭....
姐說: 其實是我自己想像的,因為有時出門,媽媽沒去,我就會想空著的位子如果坐著爸爸的女朋友....
(小二就要這麼成熟嗎?)
用新奇有趣的眼光看著兩個孩子成長,其實還不錯.
鑒於前一晚媽媽生氣她們看了一個多小時的DVD, 已經看太久八點後不能看電視 , 姐姐再回家的路上商量著要看30分鐘DVD,再看一下電視. 媽媽請孩子先洗澡,媽媽弄晚餐,洗澡晚餐後才可以看一下DVD.
不用洗頭的日子,姐姐可以自己洗澡,而妹妹也努力的學習自己搓洗沖水(聽說是要趕快學會自己洗澡, 把幫她洗澡洗的很爛的爸爸換掉), 孩子很努力呢~
晚上睡前,陪妹妹共讀認字,姐姐準備自己待會要講的故事,等妹妹讀完換媽媽躺著聽姐姐念故事,原來媽媽也有過的這麼爽的一天~ 讚.
講完故事,姐姐的Q&A妹妹答不出來,所以妹妹依舊是以鬧脾氣收尾, 眼看著妹妹會越鬧越大,媽媽說故事時間結束,關燈躺好,姐姐就聊起五四三來了,
姐說: 星期六學校日好像有扯鈴老師的演講,兩個小時想去聽可是可能無法站足兩個小時,說著老師學扯鈴的過程,也能扯到自己的扯鈴繩子應該有問題,不然怎麼會扯不好呢? 也講到自己班上的體育課什麼都教卻什麼都教一半.
姐又說: 聽說孩子12-18歲就是青少年,青少年喜歡做一些事情,抽煙喝酒什麼什麼的.不能做的這個年紀全要做.
媽媽說: 是阿,是青少年,也叫青春期, 不過不用青春期,小孩也一樣,硬是不能做的越是要做.
妹妹說: 哇那姐姐快到這個年紀了,18歲還有10年耶,好快! 姐18歲要做什麼呢?
媽媽說: 對啊,18歲可能交男朋友, 去約會了.
講到這個,母女三人尖叫笑成一團.
講到男朋友的話題,
姐問: 媽媽如果爸爸有女朋友你會怎樣?
媽說; 女朋友? 以前還是現在
姐說; 是假如拉
媽說; 就把姊妹送給你爸,讓他自己帶,媽媽自己住, 也交個男朋友阿..
姊妹馬上搶著說: 媽媽跟我住. 媽媽跟我住
妹妹還補姐一槍 : 不要跟姐住,跟她住還要管功課要生氣.
媽媽對妹妹說: 跟你住,你也隨時會發脾氣
聽到媽媽這麼說妹妹馬上氣的大哭....
姐說: 其實是我自己想像的,因為有時出門,媽媽沒去,我就會想空著的位子如果坐著爸爸的女朋友....
(小二就要這麼成熟嗎?)
17.2.16
2016. 痔瘡治療 (update 4/1, update 2016.11.16)
8年前第一胎生產完才發現自己有痔瘡, 而且因自然產過度用力導致脫肛. 當時生產完無法立即接受治療, 儘婦產科醫生開的藥膏撐過一個月的月子(當中臥床3週,產後痔瘡的疼痛幸好有母親的照顧才得以康復) 醫生說月子后找相關醫生開刀處理一下,因為懼怕開刀選擇自然產的我自然以逃避跟忙碌為由沒有處理痔瘡, 屁眼不再疼痛了卻留了一塊肉在外頭(當初也沒泡熱水,把肉推回去),女兒每次都說媽媽屁股有一個大便.
這幾年隨著年歲增長,情緒問題,壓力,失眠,缺乏運動等問題讓痔瘡問題浮出檯面.約莫一年前,經期前排便開始帶血, 爾後,出血嚴重倒以滴的噴的方式呈現, 這當中固定看中醫,其診斷是痔瘡非其他病症,但中醫主張自然療法(飲食,運動,排便,坐浴盆治療),加上去年自己很頹廢,並沒有努力改變.所以,中醫跟自己在這個問題上並沒有太大的改善.
持續每月出血約5個月後轉向西醫求診,書田的大腸直腸外科醫生診斷屬於第四期脫垂(瘜肉脫出無法自行內縮,且有混合痔瘡的問題)先以打針的方式止血,且建議擇期開刀(肛門美容手術),據說住院三天即可出院,恢復期不明確. 礙於工作,且懼怕開刀,打針后沒在出血,也就沒把開刀的建議放在心上,到了2015年11/12月左右,又開始排便出血的症狀,待2016.1月經期後再回書田找同一個醫生治療,醫生沒再幫我打針儘簡單上藥處理,直接明說要開刀才能根治.
在書田沒有妥當的治療, 持續出血內心很慌張, 這時想到姐姐說過別人推薦郵政醫院的醫生,擅長以門診手術治療痔瘡問題. 網路查詢洪醫生的個人網站,有相關的文章,治療的方式. 因為想法接近,且聽說門診手術後隔天可正常上班,再加上門診時間是一週七天, 趁著孩子不再身邊, 鼓起勇氣掛2016.2.1晚上的診.
2/1 初診症狀: 出血,外痣腫脹影響排便,肛門瘜肉脫垂,醫生診斷可以用痔瘡結紮門診手術處理,立即處理,15分鐘完成.
給藥:
1. 止痛
2. 止血
3. 腸胃藥
4. 瀉藥/軟便
5. 藥膏
以過來人經驗, 我建議重症患者術後:
1. 立即吃止痛止血的藥丸
2. 過度疼痛可以冰敷
3. 任何問題請回診找洪醫師做進一步處理(打麻藥針止痛,非常重要)
4. 熱水泡屁股,按摩推回脫垂瘜肉
5. 禁吃油炸,辛辣食物
6. 充足的睡眠,減少壓力,作息正常 (菊花是一個指標)
7. 門診手術後處理過的痔瘡莫2週才脫落,這期間都會疼痛,止痛藥約莫吃了17天才停藥.(洪醫生的文章說復原要一個月)
2/26 週五下午第二次回診,繼續進行門診手術
因第一次的疼痛復原經驗很可怕,曾猶豫是否要繼續進行,原本約定第二次回診剛好經期, 後來還是選定228連續假日前進行第二次的門診手術,連假可以臥床休息. 雖然有經驗但恐懼的程度有提高,所幸第二次疼痛感減少許多,吃了止痛藥完全壓制,只是吃藥讓人很疲累,連假就處於醒醒睡睡的狀態.
228連假孩子們去台中玩兩天,媽媽有充分休息的狀況下,傷口不覺得疼痛,一直到孩子回來,心煩壓力屁股又開始隱隱作痛,隔天(綁痔瘡后的第四天)馬上反應, 排便又開始出血,稍微疼痛. 不想吃藥的情況下只能隨時提醒自己慢慢來, 連著幾天排便都還有血,需要觀察一下是否要吃醫生開的止痛藥.
4/01週五 晚上第三次(最後一次)回診,進行第三次門診手術
由於上次比較無感,這次再無心理準備下 ,綁很痛,已經說不出話來,醫生交代注意事項時連頭都無法點,醫生說看你這麼痛,我幫你打麻藥吧,要打針還是灌藥?打針比較痛喔. 我說都可,都試過了, 於是醫生採用打針快速消痛的方式,打了針還是痛,而且整個人開始頭昏,撐著付款拿藥,吞下止血止痛的藥,趕快回家,家裡還有個小人看電視等我. 雖說已經打了麻藥, 吃了止痛,屁股還是痛的要命,幸好隔天已經1/3, 藥持續吃了三天, 連著一兩週, 屁股隱約的疼痛, 月經前屁股還是會有疼痛感,但是已經不再流血,噴血.
畢業了,其他的就靠自己維持了~~
2/1 初診候診時內心很忐忑,不知道是否也會被診斷為需要開刀,剛好后診的有一個86歲的老阿嬤跟我聊,原來我們的症狀一樣,他也是聽人介紹自己一個人來的, 互相作陪比較安心, 看診時,醫生認為我的case可以用綁的馬上進行門診手術,醫生說隔天上班沒問題,或許他真的閱歷無數,或許我的問題真的對他來說是小case,(他也有拿真的需要動刀手術的照片給我看,用很輕鬆的態度面對患者,開了藥給了名片,說有問題儘量來找他沒關係,我就出診煎了.回想起來,除了推肛按摩術其他相關衛教是很欠缺的,但是沒經歷過怎麼知道會有什麼後續?
術后的痛大概是又回到第一胎生產的痛(我兩胎都沒有打無痛),但還是可以忍耐自行用餐搭車回家,回家洗澡時發現哇 真的給我一個正常的肛門了... 不過這才是開始.第二天早晨排便后整個屁股又開了一朵大菊花 (綁進去的肉又脫出), 不知道如何處理加上上班快來不及了,洗了屁股就出門,儘管吞了止痛止血的藥屁股還是非常疼痛,於是上半天班后請假回家休息,下午洗澡時想到泡個熱水好了,一泡屁股果然舒緩很多,但是還是無法把肉推回去.(當時應該再回診,但是礙於晚上還有事情就擱著了,隔天忍著疼痛照自己原訂的行程南下,這都是非常錯誤的做法,有任何問題應該回診找醫生做進一步的處理),就這樣邊玩邊忍著疼痛捱到了11日自行回北部,12日醫生有上班,求診打了麻藥也補開了麻藥痔瘡藥膏,才算還我一個屁股,另外再次重申肉是塞不進去,需要按摩推入. 這次醫生就說了,我的症狀是脫肛+混合痔,痛2週正常,儘管是門診手術屁股裡還是有傷口, 當然很痛!! 唉... 真是一個經驗阿(難怪我求的籤會說14日會好).... 到剛好滿2週的那一天,排便時綁過組織壞死的痔瘡就排出來了
Update 2016.11.16
April - Nov. 還有一兩次出血的狀況,皆為刺激性(辣)吃太多 & 熬夜晚睡引起. 經期前肛門會有特別腫脹的感覺, 當自己感覺異樣建議多泡熱水,擦藥膏,調整生活作息與飲食.
5.1.16
2016 雜1
說是new year resolution 太過牽強,只是對乏善可陳的生活企圖做一些改變,進行一個對身體心靈都好的包山包海的project,說PROJECT其實只不過是一些芝麻蒜皮的小事.(笑).
心靈空虛時喜歡試著從書中找答案. 過了一個什麼都沒有, 做什麼都沒提不起勁的新年假期,這當中其實像個小孩似的對孩子對老公鬧了幾次脾氣後月經來了, 窮極無聊的自己去外頭走走逛逛,在家看了幾段網路小說. 正巧看到黃淑文老師FB的PO文,同樣也是什麼都沒做的老師,卻很感恩什麼都沒做只是在自己喜歡的空間內練習呼吸吐那就覺得日子極好. 彷彿提醒著自己應該轉換想法,之後又看到"一年的幸福提案"這本書,原來宇宙也著急著要我改變,試著用不一樣的心情渡過感覺會很鳥很不安的2016.
2016年閱讀:
看完了圖書館借的兩本不推薦的言情小說.
1/3 張愛玲 小團員
1/2&3 小野 關於人生，我最想告訴你的事：小野50則陪伴孩子做選擇的故事及孩子們長大後的回應
1/2 兩本原文小說進行中
1/5 H 作品集的06 未來,你會是我的誰?
女主角能穿越時空到過去未來,原以為若能預測未來回到當下的她可以扭轉未來,讓生活照著她的計畫進行事事如意,但不管怎麼穿越,如何小心翼翼的預防,小細節或許略有改變大結局的結果還是一樣. 這樣的故事提醒自己與其步步為營 悔恨生活 不如好好的活在當下, 開心生活 因為結局都已經為每一個人寫好,唯一能改變的就是當下自己的心與行動.
1/6 吉本芭娜娜 甜美的來生
交通事故小夜子重生,愛人過世, 逃過死劫的小夜處於身心虛弱靈魂沒有歸位的狀態下可以看見鬼魂,歲著時間過去,安靜地生活和工作,懷抱趕夜,靈魂終於慢慢的跟上身體.透過吉本芭娜娜小說中清淡的文字獲得被理解稍稍的舒坦. 很喜歡書中的一段文字: 身上有洞,是身體週遭 那些看不見的物質也出現缺損,有時候那些洞經過很長的時間也補不好,感到不安是肚子有洞的人的特徵, 那些看似外在緊逼而來的緊張不安,其實是身體裡面的內臟感到不安, 但因為內與外是一體的,所以人都搞混了.
1/5 H 作品集的08 如果讀者愛上我?
2016 運動
對,我開始運動了.
1/5
只做了12分鐘 ..+ 7分鐘伸展.. 挺好的,繼續加油
體重51.9 體脂28.0% (胖了 好大一圈)
心靈空虛時喜歡試著從書中找答案. 過了一個什麼都沒有, 做什麼都沒提不起勁的新年假期,這當中其實像個小孩似的對孩子對老公鬧了幾次脾氣後月經來了, 窮極無聊的自己去外頭走走逛逛,在家看了幾段網路小說. 正巧看到黃淑文老師FB的PO文,同樣也是什麼都沒做的老師,卻很感恩什麼都沒做只是在自己喜歡的空間內練習呼吸吐那就覺得日子極好. 彷彿提醒著自己應該轉換想法,之後又看到"一年的幸福提案"這本書,原來宇宙也著急著要我改變,試著用不一樣的心情渡過感覺會很鳥很不安的2016.
2016年閱讀:
看完了圖書館借的兩本不推薦的言情小說.
1/3 張愛玲 小團員
1/2&3 小野 關於人生，我最想告訴你的事：小野50則陪伴孩子做選擇的故事及孩子們長大後的回應
1/2 兩本原文小說進行中
1/5 H 作品集的06 未來,你會是我的誰?
女主角能穿越時空到過去未來,原以為若能預測未來回到當下的她可以扭轉未來,讓生活照著她的計畫進行事事如意,但不管怎麼穿越,如何小心翼翼的預防,小細節或許略有改變大結局的結果還是一樣. 這樣的故事提醒自己與其步步為營 悔恨生活 不如好好的活在當下, 開心生活 因為結局都已經為每一個人寫好,唯一能改變的就是當下自己的心與行動.
1/6 吉本芭娜娜 甜美的來生
交通事故小夜子重生,愛人過世, 逃過死劫的小夜處於身心虛弱靈魂沒有歸位的狀態下可以看見鬼魂,歲著時間過去,安靜地生活和工作,懷抱趕夜,靈魂終於慢慢的跟上身體.透過吉本芭娜娜小說中清淡的文字獲得被理解稍稍的舒坦. 很喜歡書中的一段文字: 身上有洞,是身體週遭 那些看不見的物質也出現缺損,有時候那些洞經過很長的時間也補不好,感到不安是肚子有洞的人的特徵, 那些看似外在緊逼而來的緊張不安,其實是身體裡面的內臟感到不安, 但因為內與外是一體的,所以人都搞混了.
1/5 H 作品集的08 如果讀者愛上我?
2016 運動
對,我開始運動了.
1/5
印度鄭多燕之二部30分鐘釋放運動01.mp4
Bipasha Basu(人稱為印度鄭多燕)https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lwoi-iydLzs只做了12分鐘 ..+ 7分鐘伸展.. 挺好的,繼續加油
體重51.9 體脂28.0% (胖了 好大一圈)
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